Polarized Parenting Practices

I have noticed a number of parents parenting out of 'fear'- not necessarily consciously; but their parenting practices show it. The polarized parenting practice is that which is borne out of 'freedom'. Let's take a look at how these different practices reveal themselves. Some I will just name- some I'll go into more detail~

The first fear that comes to my mind is the 'fear of harm'; harm that may come to my child. I think it is a common, and understandable fear. It is a good thing to fear for our child's well-being, that fear can move us to take necessary precautions. The danger of this fear is when it is at a point where the parent becomes immobilized, or may over-protect (gotta love that bubble-wrapped kid in that commercial), or perhaps the parent has a lack of this fear and in fact is a danger to the child. Fear, left unchecked can quickly run the gamut, unless it is balanced by the Father, and our Creator, with freedom. This kind of freedom is not equal to absence of fear, but that the fear is filtered and regulated through our trust in God for the outcome- with a healthy dose of 'having done all,stand' (Ephesians 6:13)

Many parents practice out of a fear of loss of control. The freedom-filter for this is not only knowing, but acknowledging the Truth- that God is control; we are to submit to His Lordship. To parent well- I must first recognize His Lordship- not mine, not the child's... A 'me' or 'child' centered home is an unhealthy home. A Christ-centered, Christ-controlled home is healthy.

Loss or 'self-identity' can creep in. A parent may feel that they no longer recognize themselves- this new role takes on paramount proportions and we feel we are losing our self. We are too busy, too tired to be anything other than - too busy, too tired. But calls us valuable (James 4:10) and tells us, amoung other places- in the first chapter of Ephesians- who we are. We can be assured that no matter how much circumstances change- our identity in Christ is secure.

This security can also be shaken by the fears of not being 'liked' or 'loved' by our child. Parenting to please our child (which is really parenting to please our self) is dangerous to all involved. As Believers- we are to parent to please God. (Ephesians 5:1-2, 15-21,6:4) And our child is to learn that the real deal is to please God, ultimately. A parent shows true love- when parenting to please God, not self or child.

More 'loss issues' can surface--and there are fears tied into loss. Fear/loss of finances, free time, status, fear of what others will think.... Not a lot of accolades for you when you are wiping a snotty nose, scraping off cereal dried to the walls, kissing the boo-boo, changing the umpteenth diaper, get and amazing burp out of the baby....You may even meet resistance when you say 'no' to your child, or have them go back to the store to personally tell the manager that they took that sucker off the shelf and didn't pay for it.... We must keep perspective- a Heavenly perspective. Again- to please God, and that along each step there is a consequence, and we are looking farsightedly at what God has in store for us and our children, and our children's children....someday. There is eternal value/consequence in everything we are doing; with generational and eternal consequence. Know it counts- you are going about raising a child of the King- and for this, the King will reward, and will provide~ (Heb 13:5-6 Ephesians 5)

Again- we can easily get overwhelmed by any of these fears- we can be immobilized, thinking that if I don't do anything- there is nothing to fear! Ah, but the rub is that in fact there is still something to fear, because 'not doing anything' is 'doing something' too! It will still produce consequences. Instead- look at parenting as a adventure, and be energized by it. God didn't just drop you off on a 'survivor island' all by yourself- He gave you His Word and His Holy Spirit to guide and instruct you on this journey. He has also given you opportunities for Fellowship with other Believers...

Parenting out of fears brings the fruits of such things as- anger, rebellion, bitterness, selfishness, depression.... Parenting out of the freedom we have in God through Christ- and godly submission, we have: peace, patience, kindness, self-control, lovingkindness.(Galatians 5:22-23)

So what do you want your child to 'be' when they grow up? Not asking 'do'...but what do you want them to BE? Stopping to consider that question is crucial; even more so for a Believing parent, as that question will surpass this mortal life. There is an eternity in question here. Once you decide- it will help you determine if you will consistently take the parenting practice road of fear, or freedom.

Keep in mind that when I say fear- I do not mean the opposite of peace. As in the beginning, fear itself can be a good thing. The bigger issue then is how we place fear- if it is misplaced fear, we have foolish results, even harmful.

However, if our fear is well-placed- it leads to wisdom. For in this mortal life we will not ever be free of 'fear'- but how we respond to it is critical. The Bible says, in Proverbs 1:7 "The fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge...' (James 3:13-18 Ephesians 5:15-17)

We need to, everyday- take the time to acknowledge that God is God; ask Him for His wisdom to meet the challenges and joys of the day. Give Him all your fears, ask Him to filter them, and provide His strength, knowledge and wisdom. Allow Him to reveal how He has uniquely formed each of His children He has placed in your care. Thank Him that He has not left you alone to do this- but thank Him for giving you His Word and Spirit, and for His promise to help....to His glory~